We
“All”
have Feelings of a
“Guilt”
Of some
Kind or Another
In this section I am going to take the liberty of sharing some feelings that have come
upon me in the last 58 years that anyone of you might identify with
I have come to the conclusion that these feelings are nothing to be ashamed of but are
as I have found out natural and that I am not the only human much less a “Vet” who has had these feelings and
thoughts
I attempted to join the 45th Division which is the Oklahoma Army Unit
I believe that most everyone has heard of the
45th Division in Korea
“The Thunderbird Division”
It was the beginning of the Korean War and not being a “Fighter” but more
of a lover
(as far as I have always been concerned)
I did not want to join the 45th to go to war and kill someone or fight and
crawl around in the mud, freeze my fingers or toes off or to sweat in the
“Heat of Battle”
I just wanted to
“Serve My Country”
as my Country has always been good to me
Now I did not nor will I say
“Serve My Government”
nor serve my
“Fellow Americans“
No ,I appreciate “My” Freedoms and Liberties and wanted to help others have
the way of life that I had enjoyed
Now I do want to say this
I was raised by my mother and we were poor in today’s standards but we had the love
of one another, wonderful grandparents and as a young child saluted “My” flag, collected medal, paper and
things during World War 2 when I lived in Corpus Christi, Texas and watched the navy fighters “Dog Fight” overhead
and we even had “BlackOut” drills and mock bombings
My desire for wanting to join the 45th was to in some way assist in the fighting
for the freedom for others as I had known all my life
I had gone out to the 45th Armory and had drilled with the “Troops”
(My good buddy was a member of that Division and I was allowed to drill with them)
I decided to join and was all ready to go to war in Korea
There was only one small problem
In 1950 , I was only 15 years old and as we all know - that is a couple of years short
of
“Joining Up” age
I got caught lying about my age and was “86’d” from the Armory by the
guy with the “Eagle” on his collar
I waited for my 17th birthday and holding the same desire as what I had carried
all my life , even in the 2nd grade in Corpus Christi, Texas watching the
“Dog Fights”
When my birthday came I would have my mother sign for me to go into the service
That day when we went down for me to enlist, the Marine Recruiters were open and I did
not care for the look the marine Sgt. Had
(Kinda’ like an English Bulldog)
So I joined the US Navy and shortly was on my way to Sand Diego for basic
To get to the meat of this story ,
I went to Korea
North,Central & South
Black Ops & Covert Operations
Recon Ops
Operation Passage to Freedom in Vietnam
"The Valley Of Death"
We could hear the gun & cannon fire as we were Right There
North, Central & South
Six Weeks After The "Ambush & Massacure" Shown In TheMovie "We Were Soldiers"
( It "Was Real )
and
Yes
enjoyed some of the company of the ladies in Asia and as there was not much else to do
in Asia, I did my share of bar hopping
I really had no problem with anything that I was told to do as far as duties on board
or what, ever we as a group or unit was called upon to do as far as what, ever it was that we did
Which most of the time we did not now what we were doing or why
When you "Run" with the "C I A" you don't
I came “Home” and started seeing Veterans of World Ward 2 and Korea in wheel
chairs with one or no legs
Some of my
“Military Brothers”
had no arms or at least was missing one
Maybe a combination of missing limbs
Maybe no limbs and laying in the VA Hospital as a
“Paper Weight”
would be on an Admirals desk with really no value to themselves and for sure feel as they
had no value to anyone else
Many took their own life after the enemy not having such luck
Many lost more than just their arms and or legs or their ability to think for themselves
but had lost their families,
friends , children , and many of the people that they in there bravery had so well went
to war to defend those people
I had come out of my time in the combat zones and the 4 years I had spent in areas of
“Being in Harms Way”
and had come out with no loss of nothing, We think at the time, But the Mind has a Mind
Of it's Own, It blocks unpleasent things it does not want to remember
I began to feel guilty for this
Worst of all was the hearing the many wives and mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers
that had not even a body to grieve over
That “Warrior” that had been left laying somewhere in a foreign country without
proper burial,
And ... NO, we do NOT bring them all home
Even the ones that came home in a box or body bag, what was left to kiss
“Welcome Home”
I was carrying this burden when I married and had a son born premature and lived only
3 months after spending the first 2 months in the “Preemie” section of a hospital 200 miles away
His death was a jolt and I was wondering why this had happened to me
The only conclusion I could come to was the fact that I was spared in the Combat Zones
and that I had to make my payment and what other way to repay for my life was with the life of my First Born
I continued to ”live” with the guilt of coming home alive, with all my fingers
and toes as well as my loss of my son which I blamed myself for
Why wasn’t I at his side “All” night
Why didn’t I do this and not do that and all sorts of “Trips” you lay
on yourself
After several years of
“Wallowing in Self Pity”
I came across a
“Brother of War”
At the traveling
"Wall"
In Midwest City, Oklahoma
and someone that I felt comfortable with enough to
“Spill My Guts”
to about my “Guilt” he advised me (and being a Vet with no losses of anything,
had come home alive and well) that he had in the many years since his service and life following that he felt the same way
We
“Talked and Communicated” our feelings
Cried and embraced each other and as it did not take the past from us, did make us understand
why, we found that we had done not only something for ourselves but for each other it was decided that “Talking and
Communicating” with others with the same experiences and feelings as “You” have, does help
It was good for us
“Try It”
If you are having the same problems as we were
The “Flash Backs” that I would like to refer to have happened to me
Why these “Flash Backs” are beyond me as I really saw no “Combat”
( I Thought ), was never shot at
(to my knowledge)
Another "Block Out "
nor had no reason to have this happen to
“Me”
In the last week I was reminded by an "Old" war buddy that we did take some fire, I did
get hit, we were "strafed" several times, I lost many friends and buddies on other ships and ground forces that I am just
finding out about
Sounds we block out, actions we blur, pain we quietly endure,
I was in Germany visiting my son who was at the time serving in the US Army at a
“Lance Missile Base”
during the
“Cold War”
East Germany and Czechoslovakia were only a few miles away and the possibility of an attack
from the
Soviet Union was very imminent
I was out at his missile base walking down the
“Grinder Area” when over the tree tops from the East came a group of jet fighters
from the direction of the Soviet Controlled Countries
They were coming in as a group of enemy fighters would come in to “Strafe”
an American Base
We have all seen the fighters come in on American Bases or troops in the movies
I fell to the ground crying and shaking as if it was a
“Flash Back” to my “Combat” Days
Again at their home in the small town a few miles from the missile base the same thing
happened
A group of “Fighters” came over the tree tops from the East and “Strafed”
our house
These “Fighters” were in fact German Air Force
The United States and West Germany worked with each other keeping the “Alert Status”
of each countries bases up to quality
There was never any advanced warning of these
“Attacks”
and the jet fighters came over so low and at tree top height that radar was useless and
for any advanced warning from the public was not possible as by the time the telephone call could be made warning of the
“Attack”
the jets would have been in and out before anyone could dial a phone or answer it when
it rang
I live just North of Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma and at no time
(even since 09 - 11 - 01)
have I ever had a sense of fear
The only time I feel that I should look “Sky Ward” is when one of the many
air craft that fly in and out of the base sounds like they may be having a “Rattle” or a malfunction
The Moral of this section is to share with any of you out there that may be having
“Any”
trouble coping with
“Anything”
whether it be the
Death of a Loved One
War Guilt
Combat Memories
I "Remember As I Am Reminded"
I Daily Remember Back
Thoughts and Memories Emerge from the back of my mind
Or
Every Day Stress
* Please*
Share your Feelings with Someone
Do Not just keep them
“Bottled Up”
~~~~~
By: Rolling Thunder
~~~~~
