First Spiritual Tests And Trials

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Oh, Great Spirit, My wonderful heavenly Father, why do I lie here in my warm bed unable to stop my crying. I feel it is because I feel unworthy of the beauty and wonderful things you provide me with, the lovely forest in which I live, the sound of rushing waters to the sea, the gentle whisper of the wind and Oh, Great Spirit, I cry because of friends that flock to my side.

Great Spirit, I love them so. Great One I ask for support and you send me pillars, you give me shelter from the storms of life with love not only from you but so many. Why, If I am so blessed do I weep. Is it because I have no way to repay for such a lode of precious gems as my friends, my mother, my sons and people who I meet only as ships passing at sea but yet do not pass and disappear over the horizon but signal from afar the remembrance of our passing. You are so good to me Great One, Oh Great Spirit. Oh Great Spirit, why am I drawn here to this place, I do not know. It is a sensation of peace but yet confusion. As the river changes from its peaceful trickle downward to a raging trough of strength, as the gentle breeze turns in power, forceful power. The light is dim and the sun is restricted by the heavy clouds between heaven and earth but yet I am at peace and feel this is my place. I am home in the forest. I am lonely, very. This is maybe a test or perhaps a blessing, I know not. The force of weight holds me, some force. My mind does not wander. I want no other place, I want no other place but the forest. Just to be left content as a forest creature, not in a zoo, not locked away but free but not without knowledge of or care from our responsibilities. If only humans of authority could see this. I pray to you Great Spirit, I pray, I pray to you Great One only for the continuance of peace without jeopardy or loss of my place and space in the forest. As the eagle soars, the deer browses and the wolf prowls, I too must be here and I too must be free. I wake up thinking I have tears again and why, I am not sad. I have the world and all that's in it, the Great One, the Great Spirit at my side and my sons love me, why do I cry oh Great One, I'm lonely. Sometimes I know not, when I think is this to be written, these my thoughts. No, because if I grasp the pen I do not write as I have thought, my pen does, my pen writes. I am only the holder, I am only the instrument to hold the instrument. I feel again the peace upon me. It is early, it is early morning before dawn and I am tired. My head feels as a hundred drums but my tears dry and my eyes clear, my mind calms as the sea after the storm. Whey the storms Great One, I know not, I just have thoughts so powerful, the power, the force. I wish I could hold in my hand that power as bolts of lightning. The tears flow again Great Spirit, why, what is it you want. I cannot understand, I am confused. You give the peace but yet I am confused. Sometimes as a storm the wind gusts, my eyes fill, my heart pounds, then peace.

Evening, the peace of night is upon us now, the light of day has given way to darkness. The gentle ripple of the river once again engulfs the silence. No breeze rustling through the pine, it is quiet, all but the silent steps of the nocturnal creatures of the forest seeking nourishment and companionship. The moisture glistens as diamonds on each leaf and rock, all the air is clean and crisp. Stars alone and in clusters lay as flicks of silver against black sand. The still and silence, broken only not to frequent by man's auto or aircraft on the nearby highways or high in the sky. Then peace once more in the forest. How quiet, sometimes too quiet, it is at times deafening, the quietness maybe not the quiet and silence but the aloneness with no one to share it with, even though not a spoken word the presence of others or the presence of another’s vibration is felt to soften the volume of the silence. Does this make sense? It would if you were lonely and alone.

The fears of life are shown in your face, I am not vain you say but as you look in the mirror you see not just the past, you see not just the part in your hair but notice the wrinkles of age in your eyes, the looseness of the skin, your face, your neck, the lack of depth in your glow maybe even no glow at all. Where has the sparkle in your eyes gone, the up twist in the edges of your lips. Yes, my friend it is not the things you can touch you fear, it is but life itself, not death even but the continuance of life. Growing old alone, that is what is. The gray of the hair and the beard is not to bother as this is not age but fear the shallow look from the depths of your thoughts. The quietness and still has been replaced by the pounding of heavy rain on the roof and ground. Power and force takes the gentle ripple from the river. Darkness covers all of the world of the forest as the full moon is cloaked by a thick layer of clouds engulfing the valley. Heavens and stars are not to be seen tonight or enjoyed. The earth and all that grows and feeds upon it need the moisture. Mountain tops turn white as the years ends and the winter comes. As the old man grows white with age so do the crests and hills of the forest, the leaves die and fall to give way to the youth of spring with its childhood budding. It is sad but as man, seasons and years come and go to give way to the birth of the new but the changing of the seasons is only the reminder of life, life itself and will continue to remind us there is no eternal youth.

Nothing is peaceful, nature has unleashed her fury on the forest. The trees snap and fall against the power of the wind, the waters gush downward from what are normally dry beds of rock and fallen leaves to swell the now raging river, the boulders groan and move. The forest is of nothing man knows or will ever control. Taming of such strength if only a dream of those whose only thoughts would be of controlling and owning the power and strength of the Great Spirit alone. It seems as though there is no end. Alone I sit, anxious, what will be next to fall or be crushed beneath the might of the mighty hand disturbing the normal serenity of the forest. The creatures seek shelter from the storm not even their strong bodies are a match against such anger. This only shows all how small and weak we are. Only our faith keeps us from becoming a broken mass of matter. We as humans have the knowledge of or at least the expectations that the world around us will in time return to peace, serenity and gentleness.

Oh Great Spirit, Great Spirit in the heavens you are so kind, peace is upon the valley and the forest once again. The wind so fierce has calmed to a gentle breeze, the pounding rain has stopped and it is once more gentle. The clouds still hide the beautiful blue of the heavens and the rays of the sun. There is no warmth but there is no cold. The river still rages downward to meet the ocean but yes it will until the abundance of moisture is soaked up or drained. Forest creatures stir from their shelter to feed on the tender blades and forage. The world of the forest is thankful, oh Great One for its drink, for its drink of nourishment. We know the power you have in the forest to cause the mountains to quiver in their very place but even though all are aware of the other hand a gentle loving touch of peace and calm, that hand yes. Why the necessity to rage oh Great One. Why not only the need, why not only the needed drops from above. It is to remind us that we are so small and frail. Beautiful creations surround me, the trees, the rock formations, the ground itself with the growth from beneath. Oh Great Spirit I love thee and all the things that abound me. Thank you Great One for this day and life itself, for all is beautiful, thank you.

Oh Great Spirit, Great One I am at peace with myself although the earth is not. Again the skies are full of rain and hail, the winds blow, the trees moan as they brace themselves against your mighty strength. The river is high and flowing downward, it is brown and dark with its fullness of what it has cleaned but with it goes the power and force necessary to turn the mighty generators of the lights for man below. As it flows downward it also enriches the land, it deposits its precious minerals upon its bank and crevices. The earth is beautiful and green, the rocks are clean and shine even though there is no sunlight, they shine with their lovely colors. Trees of seasonal foliage drop down their summer leaves which are now red, gold, yellow and brown. Soon though they will give birth to new buds and blossoms. I feel close to thee, I feel close oh Great One. I am but small but I feel noticed and loved, you shelter me from the storm, you shelter me from the storms of life and you give me strength to carry on, lonely, very lonely. I am thankful oh Great Spirit for the blessing and the thoughts of loved ones and friends from afar. I do feel their closeness but not their warmth, at least not of the body but I do of their thoughts and prayers. I seem to not cry so much and I sleep well or at least better. I wake not in the night to think and weep, I cope and write my inward feelings as they flow. Oh Great One, what a lovely place you have provided for me to come, I thank thee for peace.

Darkness engulfs the world of the forest, no moon, no light from far away cities, the mountains are high and all around the sky is clear and the stars shine and sparkle as the heavens were full of diamonds. Moisture still lays atop the earth from the past storms, boulders of greatness are rolled as marbles played by children as the river and its powerful downward rush push and shove them into whatever place they find to brace themselves. Thunder no, just the rocks pounding against one another. The river has quietened its rage to a lulling melodic movement as in a beautiful symphony, the changing of tempo then back returning to a pulsation. Swaying pines still not secure in their places, still rock from the power that bend them along the now slender banks of the river. I see the night creatures, the small critters and the large have once again begun again their nocturnal quest for nourishment. In the light of day only their footprints remain where they have silently walked beside me. Nothing fears this night, it is peaceful Great Spirit, it is peaceful Great One. The warmth of your sun's rays fell upon my body today and refreshed the staleness left by so much moisture, all is aired by the lovely gentle breeze that came forth down the canyon. Peace, gentleness, quiet and complete calm is in the valley of your beautiful forest Great Spirit. We of the land thank you for this day and all you provide and bless us with, thank you Great One.

The long dead viper with dried skin, parched bones and fangs that lie on the sands of time still contain the poison to kill. Only dormant by lack of moisture are the crystals of death that lurk in the touch of these instruments

of fatal injection. The beast after a sure kill shot lays still with eyes closed, dead. Oh no, for if so the eyes would be open so all could see the tragic mortality of the creature. As in life among the humans it is also true, it is also true of the destruction that awaits one who like pricking themselves on dry fangs. Approaching a fallen beast with eyes closed or having trust and faith in mankind, he is sure to be stricken or attacked by the dormant. You place your bodies, mind, soul, emotions and earthly possessions in the hands of those whom you must and should trust as they are the powers of your society. As the creatures of the forest know there is no trust in man once exposed, they are tortured, mutilated and slaughtered for pure joy. If so lucky as to encounter man and escape in complete possession of pelt, flesh or family is but forever a lesson learned. The word goes out to all through the calls of the birds and the sounds of the forest creatures that man is in the forest with his evil intentions. The city is no more different only there are the trusting vulnerable creatures of that world just as in danger of destruction as the forest creatures, only the very sad part is by their own kind. Why man, why? Why not take the ways of the wild as you call it. This is not the wild. Your world is the one filled with savagery and cannibalism. You will destroy yourselves before the wild ones are extinct.

Think far and towards the future. The forest and those that live in it have no crime, they have no locks on their doors, their dens. There is respect for territorial boundaries without wars and weapons of destruction. Think humans, think and survive. Night, sleep does not come, I am tired but my mind rests not. I think of nothing but yet filled with an idleness and loneliness. The nights are long, will dawn ever come. But why, just to become another day which will again dusk with darkness to follow, oh so soon. The tears from above have ceased, even I have none. It matters not, who is to care or caress. The walls close upon me. All of the world of the beauty and peace is around but no one to share it with. what is beauty unless it is shared? I need not voice but vibrations. Man was not meant to leave only his prints in the sands. Hearts were not given just to supply nourishment to the body but to reach out and give love and affection to another. Wealth is not of goods or things one may grasp but of that one may feel only inwardly. To be poor and know poverty is to have no one to share life and love with.

Early evening the rains came and flood worse the already swollen Yuba. It is full,the banks on both sides are touched and eroding. Falling earth and rock cannot grasp their usual dry beds. There is no more place for the river to spread, it rises up now, up the steep banks. There will be no sleep tonight for a close watch is needed to keep from being washed away as the giant trees not logs are tossed as toothpicks in the torrent. The speed of downward flow is like that of autos with no driver. The river eats as a giant at the base of the giant oak and pine alike. Boulders of mighty unbelievable weight are tossed and rolled like tennis balls. The roads are filled with slides, one place even a large tree stands in one lane where its complete surroundings were eaten away by the rain and dropped from its lodging. The sides of the mountains fall helpless on whatever is below. Still, still the river rises, ready is made to leave this normal gentle valley. The peaceful giant awakens and is on the rampage. All are weak in its path, be with us Great Spirit, be with us Great One, lend us strength against such power.

I am back, ah, oh yes I went to the top of the canyon overlooking the raging mighty power of the river. As darkness approached, as night approached I looked to see the waters eating at the rock wall laid into the bank separating me from the depths only inches it was from creeping into my yard, when I along with my world, my world of goods departed this what is normally my home, my home in the valley and the forest, now invaded by an uninvited guest, not really a guest more like having your privacy and belongings taken by the local bully. Although the river its force and power have lived in this valley and forest long and many years I felt violated. There is room enough for the both of us but I guess when the giant wants to stretch I must move to the rim of the canyon. I must leave the area of which he desires to stretch. This being the giant's space and the rim being my space, I do appreciate the use of this beautiful valley and area by the river while he sleeps. We must realize that we are just the visitors for whatever duration our stay on earth, for nature is forever and lasts all eternity. Oh what a beautiful valley, what a beautiful valley and the forest, the sky is full of blue heavens this day. The Great Spirit gave us the rays of the sun so warm and wonderful, the air is so gentle and fresh, clear cool waters again flow, not raging through the canyon walls, the earth is still and does not move away with each passing minute by the force of the water. Things are peaceful, things are calm. Trees are once more still and secure in their places. Small rocks like the mighty boulders are stable and do not roll as if the sound of thunder. There is no anger, there is no fear. The creatures of the forest and I will rest. The quiet gentle forest is again serene and peaceful, only a silent mist of a low cloud is around us to even more dampen any sounds, anxious moments have again been put aside, the giant sleeps. Thank you oh Great One, thank you Great Spirit. You are so kind to all who live in your lovely forest. All is of a beauty of which only you could create,thank you.

I do not know if I can last Great Spirit. Great One, the walls close in around me, silence and loneliness engulf the days and nights now. Walls sweat with the cold from within. I am warm but only on the surface. Water lines contract and leak, the tank is cold and moisture runs down the sides. My friend and only companion can’t speak so I know not what he thinks. Sometimes his actions are of joy and happiness and he runs gaily through camp and along the river. Times it is as he is elsewhere in his thoughts and desires, somewhere, if only he could speak Great Spirit, if only he could speak. I want his comfort and contentment as I do all of the ones I love, if he could only tell me what to do. Maybe if there were more internal space, room to move, dryness, the corners weep, the window sills are wet. I am determined to stay, Great One why is this force holding me, why? Why Great Spirit are you holding me to this valley? Why do you hold me in this forest? What is my use, what is my, what use do you have of me? Is it physical, is it mental or is it spiritual? What is the magnetism to this place, I know not. It is the beauty of creations, the small blades of grass to the giant pine, each pebble as gracious as the giant boulders, diamonds in the ebony sky but no it is not these I feel that hold me. Is it escape only to be a captive of my own making, Great One please guide me. I feel you put me not in this place to mildew as the walls of my tiny abode but I feel as I have no purpose. My body is of a great weight but my soul in limbo, my mind dormant but my spirit anxious. Each night an eternity, days are empty and of great duration, I do but yet I am idle. I tire and hurt from my fruitless attempt to fill the hours. No, I do not sit around, not a moment passes that there is not physical or mental activity, is it I have lost my peace, as the thought of what am I fills my brain. What am I? I feel as if I should vanish from all eyes as who has need of me? A father I am not, a useful member of the community not I, I create and fulfill no worthy deeds. Great Spirit, Great Spirit of the heavens give me strength and will, answer my wandering thoughts, please Great Holy, Great Holy Spirit.

Relieve my physical and mental pain, allow me peace and space to lie down. As long as the cord is to the mother the chains are on the incarcerated and the cable attached to the ship. The child will not live it's own life and would surely die. The prisoner no matter what, shall never walk but drag his feet,the ship never set sail with bellowing canvas while tied to the dock. Man attempting to start anew and to sink roots into new rich soil with the imbedded crest of the old bed attached and clinging may never feel the moisture, the richness and renewed life of the new land, the rich soil, in which to grow. It has come to me, the oak may be still transplanted with acorns or offspring if you will attached but no way can the clinging moss and mistletoe, a parasite continue to flourish in and on its branches. It must be cleaned and shaken free. A prisoner in chains, as long as there is but one portion of the chain, a single link attached is not free, it is not freedom. A child must breathe and supply his own need from its body to support and sustain life away from any bonds. The ship in full sail with wind gusting at the mast would surely sever if the cable were not freed or anchor weighed. As for this man, I was making my transition, my sails full, roots ready for the new soil and the bonds of the past behind. I thought, just a few loose ends, loose ends can catch on any snag and cause the whole sweater to ravel. These snags will be detached. The ship will sail in the glory and beauty of all, the mast full of might and pushing forward. The bonded will break free of that last link that clings to the ankle, the child will breathe on its own and the mighty oak with its acorn will shake the hard gray dry clay from its roots and will again flourish in new soil. The young acorn will grow as the old oak as from its loins it came. The walls closed because I was in need, the silence deafening for lack of appreciation, nights were long as they were void of construction and the days dark and gray for I was blind. At first there was escape, but still unrealized was the cord, the cable, length of chain and the old soil. Soon just the acorn will remain with the oak and all will be well. Great Spirit, Great Holy Spirit, Great One in the Heavens, thank you for your message and the light you let come down, you let come down on my head to fill it with knowledge and reason.

Bless you Great Spirit as you held me in my time of trouble, you held me in your mighty loving arms. A time of need and trouble was not as I thought, as I have you Great Spirit. My confusion is now behind me and I may now shake the past and shelter the acorn, I must see grow into the oak you have created in my likeness. In the name of all the Great Warriors, in the name of all the Great Holy Men, the Medicine Men who have gone before me and now in your presence and dwell within your lodge, Great One I thank you, I thank Thee and all of Those. Ah Great Spirit I hear you. My chimes ring out in a joyous tone as bells in a high steeple touching the very gates of your heavens. My afternoon prayers, my long awaited place in this beautiful valley has finally been given. You do mean for me to stay and be happy. I will have my home Great Spirit, Great One I have kept my faith where I know you are with me, that I know. Beside the river on the rim a beautiful place you have given, I may have my dogs, a garden and lovely flowers. Watch the creatures of the forest, have my friends of the forest with me,a dream, a dream fulfilled. I feel it is a dream, I'm afraid I will awaken for it is the place I have prayed and dreamed of. I can and will survive. It is your will I feel and hearing the chimes that I have to stay in this lovely forest, this heavenly forest. You afford me such beauty Great Spirit, I thank thee, I thank thee with all I have to give, my mind, my heart, my soul and as you know the depths of my spirit. I will have my peace, my mind does now rest and my body is calm, my soul and spirit floats as on a cloud high in the sky. I feel the viper withered and the beast harmless. I love all there is and there is much to love. Great Spirit I thank you, I thank you and those of the Great Council in the Heavens, thank you.

Back from the crusades, my sword is heavy, my armor is dented and stained with the bath of battle. The body is weak from war and frustration, worn is the mind from exhaustion. Oh Great Spirit, Great One why does the evil strike and then to my weakest most vulnerable flank. So far away yet so close to home, my heart. The lance of my enemies pierces my chest through my armor and enters the cavity of my life within. Through the armor plate the sharp blade draws blood from my heart and tears from my soul. My spirit is all that which continues, my faith in you Great Spirit, my faith in you gives me strength to trod forth to conquer. I will slay the evil in each battle with the blessings of all those Warriors, all those Holy Men and you Great Spirit with your blessing, I beg and the war will be just in its end many forth years but there will be peace. Peace of mind, peace of soul, peace of spirit. The body will rest and the soul will dry of tears and the spirit will rejoice in victory and the lamb shall be free and blanched of gray.

Love is:

Of all the beauty in the worlds creations of the Gods, you possess what is by far and above all else the most loveliest. The tallest pine tree reaching its tip into the heavens and above, the night sky filled and alive with sparkling diamonds, the gentle breeze, soothing ripples of the mountain stream, soft flakes of pure and delicate snow and above all the everlasting mountains of granite, marble and precious metals. You have not only each other but love, the greatest and most wonderful gift to give or to receive. To both of you I give this day my most sincere prayers and wishes for happiness always and forever. May the Gods bless you and keep you safe in the arms of one another. Shelter you from the storms of life and provide you the sweet fruits of the gardens in which to feast. Love is these things and are your gifts from the Gods to each other.