Holiday Ghosts

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The following was made almost thirty years ago, in Indian Valley Campground, Indian Valley California on State Route 49 in Sierra County, California. The day that the following message was made there was approximately eighteen inches of snow on the ground. It was nineteen degrees above zero and I was living, not camping, not staying, not visiting but living in a thirteen foot Cardinal trailer. In trailers the first three feet is the tongue so in other words I was living in an approximately ten foot by seven foot box. Now that would be if it was absolutely void of anything on the inside. It had a table, a small two burner stove, an ice box which you could put a twenty five pound block of ice inside, the table for the dinette let down into a bed. There were cupboards, there was a sink. I had all my Earthly possessions in this small abode that I shared with my small collie type dog. I had come to live in the forest and in the mountains in an attempt to do two things. Number one was to escape a sad situation, an unhappy situation, a feeling of not having anything or anyone plus looking for something. I did not know what, I did not know where, I did not know how I was going to go about finding happiness. I look back twenty years ago and I think of how I felt then, as I am speaking to you is the middle of the Holiday Season.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, where friends and families normally come together to share, to share happiness, to share fellowship, to share vibrations, to share love even some to share the accomplishments that they have fulfilled throughout the preceding year.

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I am now back in the mountains, back in the forest. I have a much nicer living situation, much warmer. I have more material things, I have two dogs now but so far I have not found what I was looking for twenty years ago. It is as if I spent twenty years halfway up the hill of ice, if I just held on to where I was at I would not slip back but yet I would not go forward. I am unsure of what I was supposed to have had in my life. I do not know even what lies ahead, I do know that I feel basically the same as I felt when I wrote what is on this recording twenty years ago this Holiday Season. It is

December 24,1995. This recording was made from the writing that I wrote

December 25,1978.

It is as follows:

There is something that I would like to say before I dub this writing over, this is not just about me and my feelings. There are a lot of people in the world that could identify with this recording. How many people in this world that this Holiday Season does not mean much to except to pierce their hearts with loneliness, to bring tears to their eyes. There are many people that have no one to share the holiday's, the Holiday Season with. This is for all of those people that are alone and lonely and do not have anyone to share this or any other time with. This recording is not only for those without but those of you with, think about it please

Thank You.

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“Holiday Ghosts”

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Who invented holidays anyway? The celebration of special days, laughing, giving of gifts and people to love. It had to have been someone so selfish and mindless not to think of all the gut deep lonely people in the world that have to live through days like today. Oh yes, in the past I have stuffed myself with turkey and the works, belched a few times, sat down in a big easy chair to watch a bunch of idiots go out in the middle of a cow pasture (Foot Ball Field) and butt heads while it is snowing or raining so hard that even the Gods cannot see the Earth but you never see the gray unless you are on the dark side of the wall, the wall that separates the happy from the sad. We the alone and lonely know what days are what, just because we are alone does not mean we do not care. People who have lost loved ones through death or by reason of distance, the space remains the same. More poor souls take their own life during the festive season than at any other time of the year but we and I do say we as an ex member of the care not society continue to go into our warm comfy abodes with our friends and our loved ones, sit down, stuff ourselves and do our thing and never so much as to walk over to see if our neighbor is at home and safe, to wish him a happy day, invite him over or to just check to see if he has blown his head off because he is so lonely he could not take it any longer. I will never forget this day as long as I live.

Oh yes, it is a day of great beauty with fresh white snow all over everything. The air is so fresh and clean and crisp. I have made my usual telephone calls to my mother and my sons to say I love you so now I will curl up in my little ball and go to sleep as the tears freeze my eyes closed. My heart rips to shreds and I long for someone to hold.

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The telephone calls referred to in this recording were made on a pay telephone approximately one half mile away from my tiny abode. My love for my mother and my two sons was so great, so deep, so intense that I bundled up and walked through that eighteen inches of snow and that nineteen degrees above zero temperature through the forest and along the highway down to the pay telephone that those calls were made from. Do not get me wrong, do not take this message in a manner of which may seem that I am back patting, I am not. This is only to show the people that have never felt loneliness so intense, this is only to show the people that have no way of knowing what life is without someone to share it with the entire year let alone the loneliness and the aloneness of the Holiday Season.

Please if you know someone who is alone possibly lonely, possibly going to spend his Christmas Day as I, twenty years ago, if you know such a person reach out, reach out and touch that person. You may possibly just give that person enough warmth and joy in their life to keep them going. I had a survivor instinct within me, I personally knew subconsciously that I was destined to continue on irregardless of what life brought to me. There may be people out there, there may be people right next door to you, I am sure that there are people you could touch in some manner to give them the strength to continue and survive.

Thank You.

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It is now again the

Holiday Season,

2006,

I am now living in

Mesa, Arizona

But,

I still think back to the days I felt the

“Holiday Ghosts”

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